Saturday, February 11, 2006


My First Hate Mail

Today was a momentous day. I received my first piece of hate mail in response to my latest collegehumor piece. A guy left the following comment on my blog, in reply to the part from my piece that read

"If possible, find a job that applies to your major. I work in a writing center because I am a writing major and know the difference between 'your' (belonging to you), 'you're' (the contraction for 'you are'), 'ore' (a mineral from which a metal can be extracted) and 'O.A.R.' (a shitty band that only chicks and pussies like)."

The comment, by "Harryeballlls" (that's FOUR l's!), read:
"You're a dick for saying 'only girls and pussies' like O.A.R. You're a writer of bullshit collumns on some bullshit website. Don't make crude opinionated statements liks that when your opinion is held in no regard whatsoever."

God, I kind of want to frame that comment like a business owner would frame the first dollar bill he's ever made.

Friday, February 10, 2006


Love is:

So I'm doing another one of those collegehumor writing collaberations for Valentine's Day. For some reason, I really struggle with these things until like 3 days after they are due, when I come up with pretty decent ones.

Anyway, this assignment was to complete the sentence, "Love is..." I just sent my two in (because I couldn't decide which I liked better). They are:

Love is never having to say "You swallow?"


Love is like the toilet seat in a dirty bar: there when you need it, kinda ugly, and bound to give you gonorrhea.

Not my strongest stuff, I know. So I wanted to see if you guys could come up with any good ones to top me. Craig, I'm looking at you.



Three cheers there is more Arrested Development on tongiht, two hours worth, and it seems that these are new episodes, or at least the last half hour, as the article I read didn't let the reviewer watch the last one. I suggest heavy taping

Yes I will blog more whenever I get a chance, here's a preview my first kiss....VERY FAT

Thursday, February 09, 2006


It's been a while

So I got a message today from Chris giving me a hard time for not contributing to this here blog. So I'm going to post a little something and since everyone else has told their first kiss story, here's mine. I was a freshman in high school and I had gone on a summer mission project with my church. Shortly there after I started dating this guy Matt. Now both of us came from very religious families and our parents watched our every move. So we were never alone and dated for nearly a year before we actually kissed. Our first kiss came at a church lock in where oddly enough they had us watching Dead Alive. Yeah I know, real appropriate for a church lock in! Anyways we were both in our sleeping bags lying next to each other watching the movie when he just leaned over and kissed me. The other kids around us saw it and started to make teasing us, the adults came over and made us sleep on separate floors of the house that night. In the morning we had to meet with the pastor. I was so embarrassed and got into so much trouble at home that I don't even remember the kiss. Unfortunately for me Matt is very successful. He works for Johns Hopkins as a bioengineer, making lots of money and he isn't fat. Although in high school he was a huge nerd who played the tuba in the marching band.


Kiss Me

Well Chris IMed me the other night to remind me that I "suspiciously" did not contribute to the First Kiss stories. Well, my friends I wasn't avoiding the topic or you on purpose - things have been crazy around here with the opening of the expo center and all. I haven't had a day off in weeks. (Just ask Jake) But I have plenty of stories for you from that (but that will come at a later date). I am first going to squeeze in a quick kissing tale before my day begins. Hopefully I can get through this without being interrupted for once - unlike a typical day at work.

My first kiss was way back in the 1980's - more towards 1986 to be more specific. After kindergarten I would go to a friend of my mom's for daycare that she ran through her house. Actually she had 5 kids herself (4 rotten boys & one girl) so I think she said she had a daycare liscense to get a tax break for having so many kids. Anyways...her one son, Spencer was my age & was the devil, although I liked him. He would beat me up & then would protect me from the bully on the school bus. (I didn't really get that). But we would play "house" in these HUGE computer boxes that his parents had in the basement. We would construct the biggest, baddest house with multiple rooms and levels - while watching Ghostbusters. Now just to put it in perspective - even though we were small children and the boxes would seem big compared to us - those computers back in the day were GINORMOUS! So our house really was a mansion. Anywho - his little brother & my sister were the same age & they were our "children" and we would boss them around. It was great! Of course we would pretend to go to sleep at night & we sent the "kids" to bed & then we would go to "sleep." But just before going to sleep we would give each other a kiss. I specifically remember one time asking him if we should kiss like "adults" do (kinda like on the soap operas we used to watch with his mom during those long days at daycare). Who needs PBS programming when you have Days of Our Lives for a 5 year old?! Anyways, the one time I was trying to be a little player and Spencer said no - so we gave each other a peck on the lips & went to sleep. Years later I realized he said no because he totally didn't know how to kiss like those on Guiding Light.

So that's my first kiss story and to follow up on my relationship with Spencer over the years - he continued to protect me from the bullies through elementary school & junior high. But by the time we reached high school he failed a couple grades & was suspended often from school. I think he's in jail now - no lie. If only he would have me kissed like adults do. I could have changed his life. ;)

Wednesday, February 08, 2006


Stupid website

Stupid website about post-high school laughs.

So I'm having a little trouble with my new editor. I used to work with this guy, Jeff, who was great. He'd give me a lot of feedback and help me improve my pieces, always encouraging me. But now I've got this dude Avenuer (his name has been changed to protect the innocent) who doesn't seem to be an editor at all.

The first thing I sent to him as my new editor was back in October. It was to be my fourth piece after a month of not publishing anything. So I sent it (it was the sex hierarchy piece that I got published on Punch Panda), and rather than offering advice to fix it or anything, he responded

"Chris, I think I’m going to pass on this update. It’s funny but a little too absurd for me. Thanks

Okay, no big deal. They can't all be winners. But this sent me into a bad spin. I was really busy with school and had lost some confidence, so it wasn't hard for me to put off writing another one. But the reality was that I was scared of getting rejected again.

Finally January rolled around, and I said "Fuck it." I sent another one that I thought was pretty good (the cuddle party one that is on my blog, reshaped from back in the day. So I sent that, feeling good. He wrote back, "I think I'll pass. Got anything else?" Two in a row! So I searched through some old stuff, and that's how I ended up revamping that one about nicknames. I didn't like it, but of course it got published, my first with the new editor.

I just don't like how I'm not allowed to take any risks on the site, while other, admittedly more successful people (like that bald guy with the gap in his teeth from VH1's Best Week Ever) can publish stuff like "Things Jack Bauer Wouldn't Say." It wasn't even an article, just a collection of phrases.

So anyway, I sent a completely brand new, pretty funny (in my opinion) one to this guy last Thursday, and he didn't get back to me. I figured that was a good thing, since I didn't get a straight-up rejection. I waited. The weekend came and went. I waited. On Monday, my editor posted one of his own pieces (check it out for yourself) so I e-mailed him asking about mine. He said it'd be up in two days. Well, his stayed up and there is a new one that isn't mine today.

Mine will probably go up tomorrow, but it's just frustrating. Sorry for venting. Please make fun of me via comments.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006


Nerds DO talk about sports!

First off, I feel for you Jake. I can only sleep in on Fridays. But knowing your struggles, I'm hitting snooze twice every other morning. Once for me, and once for my homies (that's you!).

I don't profess to know any more about sports than what I learned in Chris' highly informative link earlier (I had no idea sports could be so much fun!), but in a certain internet forum I frequent every 30 minutes, a little arguement arose.

Namely, that the referees at the Super Bowl were the worst ever. I agreed, and while watching I was definitely upset by a few things (I don't think Big Ben crossed the goal line on his scrambled-for touchdown, and I think the Offensive Pass Intereference call was baloney), but I'm hardly an authority.

Did any of you guys feel that the officiating of the Super Bowl was completely awful?

Monday, February 06, 2006


If any of you...

...were able to sleep in this morning, I officially hate you. I drank roughly three liters of coffee yesterday and when I got to work this morning, the coffee machine is on the fritz. I'm going through withdraw and I think I just felt my eyeballs move within their sockets.

If anyone needs me, I'll be under my desk Costanza style.

Sunday, February 05, 2006



Quick story: Tonight I went out with a bunch of people in my program for this one girl Jess' birthday. Now, I've got this theory that this Jess girl likes me. Anyway, we go out and afterwards I go back to her place with her, her mom, her GRANDMOM, and this other friend, Deirdre. So we're sitting around talking and whatever when Jess decides she wants to upload the pictures she took while we were out. So she gets on her computer, and this picture (Above and to the left) is her windows background. I'm like, "Holy shit! That's my picture!" She's all like, "What?" This picture is a shot I took while in Alaska after graduation, and it's in my webshots. Well, she claims that she just randomly downloaded it from like the "Nature" section of webshots. I'm like, "Are you sure? Cuz I have it in my profile." You know, giving her the chance to admit that she's a stalker and just took it out. She claims to never have looked at my pictures before. I think it's too huge a coincidence. What do YOU think?

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