Thursday, December 15, 2005


Unchartered Ranting

So I got suckered into going to the mall with the two girls I work with. The catch (other than shopping with two girls) is that they have class first so, like a complete fool, I agreed to wait for them because they said it would only take 5 minutes. Well, it's been 14, and I decided I'd post and share my pain with you guys.

Last night I had my last "Creative Nonfiction" class. We had to do a 5-minute reading of something that the class hadn't heard before. Since I kept trying to convince people that I sometimes write funny things despite the depressing shit I've been turning out all semester, I read them my cuddle party piece that I had in my blurty like a year ago. It went over pretty well and sparked some interesting conversation. My prefessor said that she had had an idea for like this comfort party where women can get all the things they like...there were be sinks set up so that men could come up behind them, wrap their arms around a waist, and plant a kiss on their neck; a coffee bar for conversation; and a massuese for those oh-so-annoying knots in their necks. It was kinda creepy.

I'm actually thinking of trying to turn the cuddle party piece into a college humor one (since I haven't had time to write anything new for them in months). My goal is to try to write like two hours a day over break, but we'll see how well that goes. At least I'll post more often on here, which is either a blessing or a curse, depending on whether or not you ask Erik (you heard me).

That seemed like a logical place to stop, but those girls still aren't out of class (it's been 18 minutes). I hate Christmas shopping, but at least this year I don't have a girlfriend to shop for. Oh wait, that's right, having a girlfriend meant I was getting action. Maybe I do wish I had a girl to shop for. Things have been a little dry lately, if you know what I mean (Erik I'm sure doesn't, but I don't want details).

I'm actually in limbo, because I'm not sure if people are going to unexpectantly get me gifts while I have nothing to give them in return. That's always awkward.

In other news, I was talking to a girl in my program who currently an RD. She was explaining the benefits of it and, I don't know, it actually sounds pretty sweet. I'd get a free apartment, free tuition and a free mealplan. Sure, I'd have to do work, but I could always take the Erik Eberz approach to running a hall and not do shit. (How's that feel, Erik?) Just imagine having to call me Chrissy Martino-Richman. If you mix the two of us, I guess we are an average sized person. Should I do it?

I kinda want to find a funny picture to add to this post now, because I'm getting pissed at these stupid girls for not showing up yet. BRB!

Ok, the picture won't make sense till you get to this point, but man, it's funny. It is actually a pretty accurate artistic rendering of what sex between me and Chrissy Martino would look like.

Richman out!

Tuesday, December 13, 2005



How could I resist?



I figured our Jewish friends needed some representation as well.

Monday, December 12, 2005




Go Turtle, Go Turtle, Go!

*Note: Names have been changed to protect the reptilian.

My roommate owns a turtle named *Sheldon. When I first met Sheldon, all he did was swim around the bottom of his fish tank, clawing at the corner as if he was trying to dig his way out. His habitat is right outside of my bedroom, sitting on the kitchen counter. There's nothing like hearing the pathetic Shawshank-like escape attempts of a turtle in the middle of the night to make you feel all warm inside.

The other weekend, however, was the beginning of a change in Sheldon's short life. Steph found him swimming around the tank with a huge bump on the left side of his head. Naturally, she thought he swallowed a pebble and just decided to keep it in the side of his mouth. A few calls later to some animal hospitals, she found herself driving up to Fairfax (~45 min north of Fredericksburg) with Sheldon buckled in. This lavish animal hospital boasted 3 floors & multiple sections based on the type of animal. She was sent to the "Eastern Wildlife" floor to where she hoped the pebble could be dislodged from his tiny throat quickly. While in the waiting room, she witnessed a rather privileged woman sign in her chinchilla for a regular check-up and a high school kid go in with his snake, come back out snakeless with his head hung low (Charlie Brown-style).

After being babied by the doctor and nurse, it turns out that Sheldon had developed an ear infection (which may have been caused by dirty water). As Steph watched the doctor and nurse care for Sheldon, she decided that she just couldn't ask for him back and run him over in the parking lot as she had planned to do. So our little turtle friend underwent surgery. And by that I mean - they put him under anesthesia, cut him open, and had to keep him overnight to fully recover. Hundreds of dollars later (I do not lie), Sheldon has 5 weeks worth of shots that we must give him prevent further infection. All of this for a $25 online turtle purchase a couple years ago.

The story does not end here, my friends.

To make up for being a bad pet owner - Steph hooked up Sheldon's tank with a filter, huge rocks for him to roam on & more water to let him swim around. In the process, she also bought feeder fish to see if he would eat them or just live with them peacefully. Let me tell you - our anticipation for the moment the fish were introduced to Sheldon's habitat reached an all time high on Thursday night last week.

When let loose in the tank, the six fish swarmed around Sheldon - and he did what any normal domesticated turtle would do - he curled up at the bottom of the tank and pulled his head into his shell. Then he wised up and popped out, only to start attacking the fish like a born predator. It was the single most entertaining thing I have ever seen in my life. Sheldon was reborn. Catching one at a time by the tail, he swallowed them whole. After he was done with those fish - we were hooked like an addict. Immediately a run to the pet store was in order and we returned with what were deemed "medium" and “huge“ goldfish. We added the medium fish hoping that we could bring him up to the larger goldfish - as to not scare him. The medium fish were a little faster & he had some trouble getting at them. He proceeded to catch the medium fish and since they were more than bite size he ripped those suckers in half by clawing at them. Then like little children, we couldn't contain our excitement any more - we added the large goldfish to the tank. But alas - Sheldon was full. I went to bed that night, but was awoken by the screams of Steph, her boyfriend & our neighbors who were witnessing Sheldon tearing at the larger goldfish and from the gruesome recap the next morning he was ripping its heart from its tiny body. It was a fish massacre!

We seriously need to cancel our cable now - for Sheldon is our main source of entertainment in the apartment. It's slightly pathetic, but if you make fun of me - I will sic my predator turtle on you!

Sunday, December 11, 2005


VA, here we come

So me and Strulson have officially decided to get off our lazy asses and drive down to Virginia next weekend.
We'll arrive sometime Friday night and stay till Sunday.
Can we have floors to crash on while there?
Goggles will be included.

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