The Virtual Apimpment

Since i am twelve hours ahead of you i feel it is my duty to warn all of you that you will not like what is to come.
First off, Mark Flemming will find out a way to spread his seed accross the entire surface of the planet with a strange mix of a weather machine and leaf blower. This is bad for two reasons, The read hair gene will become domonate and old ladies will slip on disgusting Flemming phlegm, causing a shortage of plastic hims and electric slide participants. He just needs to fill the splooge tank (a rusty bucket). As we speak the governments of the world are pulling togeather a League of Extroadinary Gentlemen. The league was unavailable so they had to settle for the Pro's of Bitchin.
Steph Grossnickle will be married, have three kids and go through a bitter divorce. She now spends her days in the Princess and the Pee trailor park slowly de-evolving into the smartest most literate white trash ever. She lives with her daughter Elizabeth, and Dick, her son. Ahab left to hunt down his father for crippling his life, and not giving him a hand when he needed it most.
Chris Richman has become a victim of religious radicals for his "If Jesus had I.M." postings on his blog. He is trapped and hobbled somewhere in Utah. The FBI suspects the mormons and would be moving into certain complexes if they hadn't been called to stop the Flemming.
Matt Strulson dicovers a new chemical that makes poo dissapear. Marketing the product to dog walkers he makes billions. His closest friend Tim Matlack has trouble coping and kills a horse. Unfortunetly about an hout ago (my time) experts have found that the product is bad for the environment, or dogs, or something, and Matt loses credibility and millions. But he gains an old friend... Ben Stiller... uh... i mean... Tim Matlack.
Jake and Laurie get drunk and have sex... it is... dissapointing.
My present, your future, is a scary one my friends. Chaos and stickyness rule the world. Only you may stop it, it is too late for me. the last few hours have been the worst of my life, it may be too late for me, but you still have a chance. This warning may have already done the trick, i can only hope. The backstep has failed, now it is up to you.