The Virtual Apimpment

Have you ever found yourself reading a Strulson-authored post and scratching your head afterward? Does the combination of keyboard palm-slapping and drunken english have you confused? Well, fear not, here is your pocket guide to the language of the great shirtless one, and you are guaranteed not to hate it.

First, use of the direct address "You" must be changed to the simple vowel sound "u". This eleminates two completely unneccessary keystrokes when you're stuck between a girl and chem homework. For example:

English: "I bet you were embarassed by your drunken typing, Chris."
Strulsonese: "I bet u were embarssed by ur drunken typing, princess."

Let's take this a step further -- if you are having difficulty finishing a thought, add a long sequence of periods to show your effort. This transforms the standard "ellipse" into the "ummlipse." Why hold the key down for a set amount of time when you can let it ride? For example:

English: "I was taking to Laura ... and she was fat."
Strulsonese: "I was talking to Laura.....................................and she was fat."

Also, remember that you can save a lot of effort by refusing to acknowledge the rules of capitalization. All proper nouns are less than awesome, so why show them respect?

English: "The President of the United States visited Bucknell and talked about Christianity."
Strulsonese: "The president of the united states visited bucknell and talked about christianity, bitches."

Should you lose your place in the posting, it is acceptable to do the following:

English: "As I was saying, the existence of God is based on a series of..."
Strulsonese: "Ummm.............what??"

Finally, let's combine all of the above to transform a normal post into advanced translation:

English: "I met a group of very attractive women the other evening, and we went out on the town for a few drinks, some dancing and then back to my place for board games."
Strulsonese: "Yo! fat Laura......................i met ur friends the other nite and got drunk. Look, i dont hate it. then they (knock knock)...........COME IN! Wait, what? Somebody crack a window, will ya! Chris, get on my back!"